I’m 37 and it’s hard to believe


I'm 37 and it's hard to believe

Yesterday, I turned 37 years old. I’ve been thinking about this new number for a few weeks now and at first, it was difficult to accept. When I was 36, I was barely past half way through my 30’s. Now, I’m definitely closer to almost being 40.

When I was a kid, I thought 37 was REALLY old! I couldn’t imagine ever being that old.  And that  inner child really hated the idea of turning 37. For some reason, one of my dear children kept thinking I was turning 38 and I got pretty snippy at the insinuation more than once.  I was determined to enjoy 36 as long as possible.

As a kid, I also thought I would feel older, wiser, more accomplished than I do.

I don’t.

I still feel like the same person I was when I married my husband at the age of 20.

I still feel like the same person who gave birth to my first baby when I was 23.

It’s hard to believe

But as I thought about this new age more, I realized a few things.

  • I’m blessed to be alive, healthy, and seeing my family grow up right in front of me.

-There is so much sickness and disease in the world around us. My body is serving me well. I’m still able to run, bike, and play with my kids. I love that I can be active no matter my age.

  • It really is true that there is an inner child in all of us.

-I never understood that saying until recently. I mean, I thought that meant that basically someone was an immature brat who hadn’t learn to grow up. Now I know that who you are never really changes on the inside. We might act different. We might get caught up in being responsible, but really all of us just want to bust a gut laughing when one of the kids lets one rip!

  • Growing older isn’t a bad thing at all.

-This is related to number one. It really isn’t bad to grow older.

To get grey hair.

To get some laugh lines.

To not have a figure that looks like we’re 20.

It means that we are still alive. Society has an obsession with how we look on the outside and I find it so easy to get caught up in that too. (I’m not so secretly really happy that I don’t have any grey hair yet)

-If I’m honest, I really struggle with getting older and looking older. I think I sometimes have an obsession with being 20 again. But honestly, I’m glad I’m not 20 anymore. (I just want to look like I am. )

  • I’m actually living my dream right now!

-As a little girl, I always wanted to be a wife and a mama! And I am! It’s a ton harder than I thought it would be, but it really is a lot of fun, too. I know my girlhood dream so doesn’t fit into society’s ideas of what true success is. I’ve struggled a lot with this in the last few years. I really wanted to be successful in the eyes of the world. I wanted to be able to say, “I’m somebody-my identity is _________.” I hated that I had to say, “I’m a homemaker.” Through all of my wrestling with God over my calling, I’ve realized that this is the right identity for me right now. Does that mean that I’ll never do anything else? Probably not. Just because I’m 37 and don’t have a career besides homemaking, etc. doesn’t mean my life is over.

  • Life is hard you ‘all.

-Recently, I realized that I’ve been burned out.  It’s not what I thought burnout would look like. I guess it probably doesn’t look like the same thing for everybody. Overall, I think I was still doing okay. I mean, I could still function. I could still do the things I was supposed to do.

But I wasn’t inspired.

I wasn’t inspired to write and I didn’t.

I wasn’t inspired to spend time with Jesus, but I still did.

I wasn’t inspired to worship Jesus through voice and piano and I rarely did.

I don’t know if I’m out of it yet, but I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My sister-in-law’s death was a really hard hit for my faith. I never knew that death was processed this way. I actually thought you cried for a while (or a long while) and then life kind of went on. And life kind of does go on. I mean we are nearing 2 years since her death. Life has most certainly moved on. But even though life went on, those who knew her will never be the same again.

  • But God is so good.

-You know what’s kept me going? It’s the knowing that God is so, so good! And because of his goodness and my sister-in-law’s faith in Christ, I get to see her again in heaven! I see his goodness all around me every, single day. Sometimes, I’m way too negative, but when I sweep away the negativity and put on my attitude of gratitude, I just can’t help but notice how good he is. His creation (especially this time of year) is glorious. I LOVE going outside and breathing in the air, hearing the bird’s chirp, seeing the trees wave in the breeze, going for a walk after a fresh rain, and just enjoying it all. His people (even the people that drive me crazy) are such wonderful marvels of creation. I love the opportunity to interact with and talk with people everywhere I go. It’s the simple things.

In Conclusion

So…I’m 37 now and that’s the most authentic writing I feel like I’ve done for months. This is what I was inspired to write today. It’s not a how-to or a 5 steps to anything. It’s me writing from my heart. This isn’t for page views or pinterest, it’s what was in my heart to write.