It’s been a little over 9 months since my sister-in-law passed away suddenly from cancer.
At times it’s hard to believe it’s been that long.
At other times it feels like a lifetime ago.
I don’t think about her every day, anymore, but she comes to my mind in the most unexpected moments.
I know she’s in heaven with Jesus, so I’m happy for her.
I don’t really wish her back to this earth with all its sorrows and troubles.
Really why would I?
She is a much better place.
Yet, her death has affected me in ways that I would have never expected.
You see, I’d never lost someone close to me who was that young. Yes, my grandparents have all passed away, but they were all over 80 so the loss wasn’t as great to me. I knew that they have lived life to the full, so I was okay with their deaths.
This death has caused me to question my faith. It has caused me to question the very reason that I believe what I believe.
I’m afraid that I haven’t always won those battles.
In fact, I’ve wondered “why” a lot. You could say that I’m a natural questioner. I tend to analyze everything. My thoughts, the actions of others, the words people speak, and unfortunately probably God.
1 Corinthians 2:11 (NLT) No one can know a person’s thoughts except that person’s own spirit, and no one can know God’s thoughts except God’s own Spirit.
I’ve wanted answers and it has kept me from truly embracing the Father heart of God.
All this questioning has caused me to feel exceedingly weary all winter.
In fact, until just today, I couldn’t really understand why I was so weary.
The passion that I’d had for Worship has been lacking.
The passion for hearing sermons and responding was low.
I’ve been weary because I’ve been fighting my “stinking” thinking.
Just yesterday, as I should on stage as part of the Worship team, I questioned God about why I was so weary.
His response was Galatians 6:9 (NIV) Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
I’ve wanted to give up.
I’ve wanted (even demanded) that God shows me why this had to happen.
No, I’ve not often said it in so many words, but I’ve felt it and I’ve thought it, time and time again.
1 Peter 1:7 (NLT) These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold–though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
Just as I began writing this post, God reminded me of the above verse. As I read it, God showed me a few things.
#1: God never promised our walk with Christ would be easy
#2: The trials we face will build up our faith.
#3: Our faith being tested as fire tests and purifies gold, will help us to grow stronger.
#4: Trials test and prove what we are made of.
#5: When we have to walk by faith, we can’t rely on ourselves any longer. We must rely on Jesus. Relying on him, helps us grow in our faith.
Does this mean I’m okay now?
That I’ll never question again?
No, in fact, I know that I will.
Christianity isn’t a destination of becoming such and such.
It’s a journey that will last until we get to heaven.
Just this simple revelation can be life-changing.
The realization that we’ve been trying too hard to fix something.
That we’ve been weary because we keep trying to figure God out.
Instead of all the trying, trying, trying, I’m choosing to rest.
Rest in Jesus.
I’m letting go of my questions, of my must-know attitude, and am choosing to focus on what I do know.
Jesus will never leave us nor forsake us.
Matthew 6:33 (KJV) But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
This verse has been on my heart for the past several weeks.
What if, instead of worrying about how to be a good Christian, we’d get down our knees and just listen to God’s voice?
What if, we’d let go of striving and instead just rest in him?
What if, we’d let go of striving for more success and wealth and give it to God instead?
I think Jesus would meet us. He would be our rest. He would be our peace. We wouldn’t have to know why anymore because we’d just trust him.
How about you? Have you been weary in well-doing? I’d love to pray for you if you’d take the time to comment.
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