For when you aren’t sure of your Faith

For a few months now, I’ve debated how to write about this.

How could I even put it into words?

Will any of what I write even make sense?

And when it’s all said and done, will what I want to say even come out in the way that I intend it to?

I’ve always struggled to put into words what I’m thinking. What I’m trying to communicate. I have a few beautiful lady friends whose words are beautiful. They often seem to say all the things I’m thinking, but never come out of my mouth.

Even as a young pre-teen, I used to write my mom letters. My mom couldn’t understand me. I didn’t understand myself back then. I’m not sure that I always understand myself now except that I know why writing comes more naturally to me than words do. It’s because (with words) I can finally communicate what I’m actually thinking.

So, today, I’m going to try to communicate my heart.

It’s going to be raw.

It’s going to be real.

I can already feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes. Some of my in-real-life friends will read this and shake their heads and “say but she isn’t one to be emotional.” This year, I’ve cried more than I remember crying in a long time except when I was pregnant with my children.

My tears haven’t just been about grief, but over the learning, the growing that’s come with the grief.

You ‘all, grief is nothing like I thought it was. This isn’t my first loss. But my other losses were Grandparents who were well advanced in years.

You know what this loss has done to me?

It’s shaken my faith to the core of my being. For months, I would have told you that I didn’t know what I believed anymore. In the midst of my confusion, few things made much sense to me.

1 Peter 1:7 (NIV) These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

In spite of not knowing what I believed, there have been three things that never changed.

#1: God is a good God.

#2: He never leaves us nor forsakes us.

Deut 31:6 (NIV) Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

I felt the Lord’s presence this last 6 months like I’ve never felt it before. God is always with us.

Even the morning when we got the phone call, I was drawn to the piano to worship God. With tears streaming down my face, I sang to him songs like “It is Well with My Soul.”

“When peace like a river attendeth my way. When sorrow like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, “It is well, It is well with my soul.”

#3: God doesn’t give up on us even when we are confused.

Perhaps I should explain why my faith was tested. You see, I suppose that in a sense I had lived a life that was sheltered. I literally believed (and still do believe) scriptures like Isaiah 53:5.

(KJV) But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him, and with his stripes, we are healed.

I believed that if we truly believed that someone would be healed they would be. I don’t have the answers, but I do know that God is sovereign.

As I write this, I recognize that I’m opening myself up to potential criticism. Part of the reason I haven’t wanted to write about this topic is because I don’t have all the answers. But I write this in hopes that I can maybe help someone. This won’t be a neat and tidy blog post.

Here is what I do know, everything in the Bible is true.

2 Timothy 3:16 (NLT) All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right.

Another thing that I know is that we live in an imperfect world.

Sadly, it is full of sickness and disease, starvation, famine, accidents, and abuse.

Yet, through it all, I know that God loves us.

That he cares for us.

I encourage you to make a decision.

To believe what the Bible says. When you and I don’t understand it, we will take it by faith and believe it anyway.

That’s when the confusion can go.

It doesn’t matter what our doctrines are anymore.

It matters what the Word of God says.

God is Faithful.

And we can trust him.

Proverbs 3:5 & 6 (NLT) Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

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This post linked up at #Monday Musings